I resent it because I feel broken inside,
Brought back to a place I thought I escaped long ago.
I resent you, absorbed in the pursuit of me,
Too caught up in the idea of us yet forgetting to know and love me.
I resent you for blaming me for what wasn’t my fault,
For opening a can of worms I don’t know how to close,
They crawl through my mind, my heart, my eyes—
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, all I can do is think, and think, and think again.
I think of the last time we met,
The hug that said we’d never meet again,
The guilt in your eyes, more than what you admitted,
Something that you had not yet told me.
That last look, the small smile you gave before I turned away,
It’s in my eyes every time I close them, plastered in my mind.
Do you feel guilt? Or was it just a lie,
A way to make yourself the hero, when you knew you were the villain?
Do you think of the sleepovers, of being curled up together?
I do. I remember how safe I felt in your arms,
The comfort of your breathing, calling me "baby,"
Falling asleep on your chest which is weird because I always was a fussy sleeper.
I thought I’d found the one.
The comfort a sign that you were sent to care for me,
But now I go back to your last words,
You lost feelings, it wasn’t going to work out.
Was it all a game to you?
The calls, the trips, the promises, the lies?
Wondering if all the love I felt was one-sided,
Wondering how you could care and leave so easily.
That last look haunts me.
A film on repeat that taunts the guilt in your final gaze
That I wish I never noticed
Maybe then I wouldn’t be wrestling with myself, wondering why. How.
It wasn’t my fault, but I still feel like it is.
Was I too quiet, too sensitive?
Did my purity frighten you?
Were you afraid you might spoil me?
You took advantage of what I wanted,
Claimed to be the man of my dreams,
But all along, you never planned to stay.
You always wanted to leave.
And now, I wish I could hug you again,
Feel your weight beside me,
But I can’t. Even if I could, I won’t. Not anymore.
And that kills me.
But the worst thing of all is how you probably don’t think of me,
Probably doing the same thing to another woman,
While I’m here, broken, anxious, sleepless,
Taking meds to numb the pain.
And yet after all that, I still miss you.
I still crave your presence,
I wish I didn’t.
I wish I never met you.
Ethereal Chronicles 